Tears, Failure and Guilt

Have just spent a good few hours wailing and grieving the loss of my
father. Masses of ET and a final putting away of the photos and physically
taking the batteries out of the remote control so I can no longer play his
last favourite album over and over again.

So much came up including me being able to tell him that he was not a
failure, as he continually thought throughout his life. He succeeded
magnificently in every one of his failed endeavours, failing as he
expected, he was always right. Heart failure finally killed him.

Have been working on guilt and woke feeling extraordinarily guilty that I
hadn't helped him enough his last few days when he was so anxious and
fearful and all I did was reassure him they would make him better instead
of using what I know to help alleviate his fears.

It wasn't until he became unconscious I started to try and help him and
even then I think it was really to help me get through it. Still, I did
what I did, and all I could do at the time and he died a loved man and I
know he knows that.

Dad, to have had such cold, harsh, overbearing, judgmental parents as you
did and for you to have been such a loving, patient man is truly wondrous
and an eternal credit to you.

All hail ET, helping me through yet another stage of the bereavement cycle.

N

           
Received on Fri May 30 2003 - 07:15:20 BST