Thought Flow Diary

I had what I might want to call a miracle happen yesterday, something
I had really and profoundly given up on as a possibility or even
probability a great many years ago.

The miracle just turned up. I am still astonished and a little shell
shocked but it also got me to start thinking about how it came to be,
what the role of the Thought Flow process was in this unfoldment and
what this has practically done for me personally in the month or so
since I first discovered it.

There is a clear and logical sequence of events and I thought I'd like
to share them with you, so you can compare them with yours, and see
what we make of this.

When I first came up with TF, it was a major, major breakthrough for
me and also, a real tool for reducing the constant stress, worry (and
most likely, radioactively overheated mind circuitry as well!) which
had made my life a misery for as long as I remembered.

The same questions, in different guises, over and over again - I did a
LOT of physically chucking them over the top the first few days. I
really did NOT do this to get any answers but to just get a little bit
of relief from this endless churning with the corresponding horrible
sensations and energy drainings.

However, within a week, the first couple of answers just materialised
literally out of the blue. I would just be doing nothing in particular
and all of a sudden, there's this thought or idea and it really is
new, amazing and indicating a totally new direction for the ongoing
enquiries.

I'd like to point out that these "answers" were not at all of a linear
nature - it wasn't like, "How do I get to be a millionaire?" Answer:
"Here's the chemical formula for immortality. Enjoy."

They were very fundamental, very structural and very, very deep. Both
were so very personal that I won't go into the specifics, but one
answer had the effect that it really was as though blinkers had been
taken off my eyes and I saw for the first time what I was actually
doing in my life.

I was truly shocked to understand that virtually 99% of my daily
activity were *repetitive compulsive behaviours* which were barely
masquerading as activities related to leading a meaningful and
purposeful life, but instead were designed expressively and
exclusively to reduce anxiety.

This even included what I had thought to be leisure activities and
hobbies - to make a long story short, it basically worked like this.

Get a bill in the mail, instant major rise in anxiety (and entirely
irrespective of as well as unrelated to the fact that I have enough
funds these days to pay them!). This *directly* causes an immediate,
reflexive and ritualistic outburst of completely predictable activity
including writing an article, ordering some advertising, updating a
database and a website, editing a handy vast or preferably endless
document, pasting hyperlinks and messing around with mailing list
addresses or similar mind-numbing repetitive drills.

Fun thing was though that once I saw this, it was clear that these
activities would NOT actually lead to earning more money (and they
never had and never did!) - it was all just close enough in that
"business" ballpark to SEEM to serve as an appropriately pro-active
fight-or-flight response on the topic and it reduced my stress levels
slowly over a period of 5-6 hours to a point where I could take a deep
breath at last and stop. From a useful point of view, the practical
effects of these ritual activities were so minimal that frankly, I
might as well have spend that time washing my hands over and over
again! But then, their primary function was never to resolve the root
cause of the money anxiety but just to reduce stress, so that made
perfect sense.

Outbursts of housework or cooking were fight-or-flight responses to
anxiety over children or not being a good mother. Just exactly as with
the clerical work, the cause-and-effect to actually DO SOMETHING
PROACTIVE about the underlying problems was tenuous to say the least,
if not entirely non-existent. Clearly, one cannot combat ones
childrens behavioural problems by hoovering a bedroom (!!) but one CAN
combat ones anxiety over the same quite nicely in that way.

As if that wasn't already bad enough, it turned out that singing,
painting and writing poetry were structurally exactly the same yet
again - only they were activities I would undertake in response to an
anxiety producing thought or idea that I wasn't fulfilling my creative
potential or such. And yet again, how tenuous are those activities
even linked to anything even touching the reason and core for such
anxieties? Just - j-u-u-st! - enough that by doing THOSE things for
5-6 hours at a time (and sometimes considerably longer!), the pressure
would recede on that topic - and then we're back with an open space to
go into any of the others, immediately and near enough seamlessly. An
endless merry go round between work stations, indeed.

I got to see that *my entire life* was really, 99% emergency anxiety
control and all of it AWAY FROM FEAR motivated - fear motivated but
not towards anything long term proactive, generative or that would
solve the problem finally at all, but a totally negative set up and
structure (and we do know how the energy body hates us running NO!!
reversals!).

I still didn't believe it was really and truly as bad as this until I
started to treat the anxiety/fear peaks that triggered the repetitive
behaviours - mainly with snow globes! - and found myself with great
long days and nights and absolutely nothing left to do as the
motivation for doing these repetitive tasks collapsed completely and I
stopped doing them. Which left me with nothing. Literally. Take out
these big, 6 hour chunks previously occupied by "hand washing" which
were being triggered *by a single thought* as soon as there was the
slightest breather - and then what do you do with your time????

At that point, I found three more backup behaviours. One was
socialising (including phone and email as well as personal), one was
spurious sleeping/attacks of tiredness and the third was escape into
dreamworld (TV, book, writing story, doing a "meditation", Project
Sanctuary, day dreaming et al). It was actually quite easy to isolate
the exact triggers for each one of those, really specific they were
and running like clockwork - good God! I've been a clockwork mouse
with a set repertoire of anxiety medicating behaviours all these years
and mistook it for leading a life!

I was by now deeply intrigued as to what would happen to me if I
stopped all of it, what I would do. I had no idea. It could have been
anything at all! All this time, I might have been destined to become a
farmer or knit socks for the Red Cross and never knew!

And what happened when I refused to engage in any of the anxiety
medication behaviours was to my utter astonishment that I became aware
of just how afraid I was constantly and of absolutely everything. It
was no wonder that the smallest little thing would send me into an
instant frenzy of repetive rituals when the baseline of anxiety was
already that high, all the time!

I couldn't believe how bad this was, or how pervasive. What really
deep seated faith I had in having no control over my life, my body, my
finances. Over keeping my kids safe, a roof over our heads, being
popular or useful enough to somehow avoid being stoned by the
neighbours or something like that (!). Ridiculous but absolutely real
mini panic attacks in the supermarket as I barely dare to look at a
box of chocolates, a can of beans or even a loaf of bread - I mustn't
buy this, it will make me even fatter, even more unlovable and
unworthy than I already am, I will waste money that I need to survive
elsewhere, I can't afford it, this is dangerous ... aaargh!!

At one point during this experiment in going cold turkey on my anxiety
behaviours, I was in my bedroom and became afraid of every single
thing - all those books shouting to be read, mirrors demanding to
reflect something, pictures demanding to be seen, clothes demanding to
be folded or worn incessantly, dust screaming at me to be removed,
even a coathanger on the picture rail being a threat by its very
presence and the fact that it should be *inside* the closet but I did
not have the energy left to get up and move it, thus demonstrating my
failure and helplessness - a total cacophony of panic!

Being absolutely terrified of *dust* and then all the rest not ever
having been available to me in consciousness like that before (I
always thought I thought I was pretty brave, capable and strong!) I
decided to go with it, rather than to try and medicate it or tap it
away this time, stay with it, try and understand it, find out what
that was all about. I really couldn't work it out beyond a vague
notion that I might have a death phobia or something.

So, in the end, I put the question to the Thought Flow system and went
to bed, exhausted with all the fearing.

The next evening and after another day full of constant terror, I
finally got my answer.

I watched my own fingers type the words, sexual abuse surviver support
group, into a Google bar and truly could not believe I was doing it,
that I was allowing it, that it was really happening. It was a most
extraordinary moment and experience, and although there were many bits
of me totally appalled, shocked and horrified, there were also many
others which went, "There you have it. You asked for it, didn't you.
What's wrong with you, what's wrong with your life, what you're
supposed to be doing with yourself. What you need to be addressing to
move towards Even Flow. You asked specifically what is holding you
back and contorting your reality like this. You asked why nothing ever
feels quite real and time and time again, you asked, "What the hell is
wrong with me???"

"Ok, so you thought those questions were rethorical and metaphorical
and meaningless and just garbage to chuck out of sight and out of
mind - but you and I both know, it took a long time to get you here
and there you are.

"This is a truly fundamental snarfu in your energy body which should
have been addressed 40 years ago and which you have spent your entire
lifetime thus far trying to work around, ending up with a bizarre life
that never made any sense to anyone at all, least of all yourself, as
a simple, direct, cause-and-effect result - completely logical in all
ways.

"Get to work and sort it out, then we'll see about the next steps
after that."

So, that's what I've been working with over the last couple of weeks
and as a direct result of using the Thought Flow system of taking
questions from the mind and sending them elsewhere for further
processing.

All those many, many questions, and basically, one single answer to
move it all along towards an eventual resolution, and it is so obvious
at that, it really hurts.

Joining the group was a really, really good move. Good God, there are
all these people who have *the exact same symptoms* that I have but I
thought basically I was just completely insane or genetically damaged
or something! With a single individual client at a time I could "fail
to notice" the similarities, but on mass, blinkers off and with a new
will to actually take notice - wow. These problems I have/had are not
the mark of the devil but indeed, they are structural and perfectly
normal to that type of energetic injury.

And, what's even better still, there was really never any reason for
all this terror, well at least not for the last 25 years. I see the
cause-and-effect relationships and I have *all the resources* and then
twenty times more on top to deal with these old issues and injuries,
wrongful connections and truly bizarre self fulfilling prophecies you
can't blame a freaked out 4 year old for considering as insurmountable
but which hold hardly a challenge to a 44 year old professional Energy
Therapies researcher.

Right down to one of the core problems of the whole setup, namely to
know what was real and what was imagined - it took me less than a
tenth of a second to get it that you just simply don't discriminate
and treat them both the same, completely at face value and as they are
presented - that way you can't go wrong and everything that needs
healing, gets healed (and nothing gets denigrated, missed or left out
in the cold!).

The instant I thought it, and without doing any treatments at all,
there was a huge sigh of relief all through my body, followed by the
weirdest wave of energy and at first I thought I was having a fit or a
strange turn of some kind but then it occurred to me that this could
possibly be what it feels like when the anxiety is gone for a moment.

It is a very, very strange thing indeed because I would have thought
that it would be a *lower* energy state than the highly charged
buzzing anxiety - but actually, it is more energised AND calmer at the
same time. Isn't that the weirdest thing? The buzzing anxiety is a
wind up but at the same time a draining too, like an engine spinning
insanely but the gears aren't engaged.

State of play now? Instant enlightenment for Silvia?

Sorry, I'm afraid I can't give you that after your patient sojourn
through my story here :-)

On the bright side, I'm no longer afraid of the dust and indeed, there
is no dust now any longer (but even if there was, it no longer scares
me <g>)

I'm having all sorts of unusual thoughts, many, many insights, waves
of strange and unknowable emotions, unexpected attacks of something or
other but it doesn't really wind me up because that's to be expected
with some huge erea of the energy system that hasn't been touched in
40 years and which is sincerely disrupted.

Mostly, I just let it happen and try and get to know it - can't say
that I can ever remember having experienced half these states or
feelings or even thoughts before, they seem completely alien but also,
rather attractive, intriguing, very honest and always remarkably
horizon-widening.

If it is clearly something in need of healing of course I attend to it
as soon as possible and as swiftly as possible; ET mostly, but
sometimes EFT as well and sometimes, just a loving thought suffices to
put it all to rights.

Why did I tell you all of this?

Well firstly and clearly, because I wanted to communicate about it,
share it, if you will. <smiles> No other reason actually, really, on
this pleasant Sunday dawn.

But there's some other aspects to this too.

If there's any parts of you listening now, DID or other, that have
been ashamed or terrified also of some discovery or other for ages
like I must have been, no, actually was for all these years, I'd like
you to know that the time has come for not worrying about that anymore
and moving towards resolution now with the best will and best speed
(and this is of course, far wider in principle than just sexual
abuse - there are as many ways to sustain energy body damage at any
age than there are ways to count all the stars!).

Although time is NOT of the essence in the good ol' self actualisation
game, from a practical standpoint there is all merit to start having
actualised adult reality fun for as long as possible and that means,
starting as quickly as possible, of course :-)

Whatever you suspect or know might be majorly wrong with you, I
suspect will turn out to be much the same as with me and all these
clients I used to see - simply an energetic injury set sustained at
some time, nothing more or nothing less, some more severe than others
but all well up for sorting out now.

It doesn't have to be a mad struggle with good and evil, insanity,
deformity or crazy emotions anymore that goes on forever, wrestling
the demon monsters of forgiveness, betrayal, absolution, retribution,
revenge and hatred in a hopeless struggle; its just not like that
anymore.

We understand emotions fundamentally different now and don't need to
be afraid of them any longer, don't need to hold one kind and deny the
very existence of the other, or try and hide all of it because we're
afraid no-one will love us if we're not pretending to be perfect all
the time and then we must surely die!

We don't need to be ashamed of having emotions any more. Or, for that
matter, ashamed of having reasons for the emotions - how can you be
ashamed of a jagged tear in your energy body, after all? It just
doesn't make any sense any more to think like that.

We understand now that having and experiencing these emotions, having
sustained these injuries in the energy system, whatever they are and
however they arose, is not about being right or wrong, good or bad any
longer, and all that remains now is for all of us to take a deep
breath and make a real desire towards Even Flow - not towards money or
houses or acclaim or any of those anxiety-plasters, nor even better
lovers or better beauty (to attract/deserve better anxiety
plasters!!!), but just Even Flow for its own sake, nothing else, for
nothing else will really do at the end of the day - accept NO
substitutes!

Let's get that sorted FIRST and then we go out and do these other
things because honestly, it is going to be so much easier that way
round, we have no conception of just how smooth and easy as yet.

I was always aware of the "abuse issue" on some level but no matter
what, I was way, way too stressed out and afraid to try and do
anything about it, and I also absolutely expected when the lid was
finally lifted that this incredible nervous breakdown abreaction
insanity for many months on end would have to ensue that would leave
me as the eternal abuse victim, a totally burned out shell of a person
at the end of it, feebly forgiving all and sundry and altogether
1984-style broken to the Louise Hay party line.

I was very wrong about that, I am delighted to discover; indeed you
could say in the contrary, the processes are so illuminating, freeing,
empowering and fascinating it is actually quite wonderful, desirable
and dare I say it? :-) rather exciting - even when it turns scary, sad
or furious for a time.

After all, it is only energy doing its energy thing :-)

My current challenge is to discover what I actually LIKE and WANT as
I've spent all this time just peddling away from fear in full out
reverse (yes you can make the connection to energy reversals, by all
means!) that I haven't a clue as to how to orient myself in a
different direction, in the absence of the whip wielding slave master
Mr Fear prescribing every second of my day, and the only goals I have
known so far turning out to be yet more anxiety plasters if the truth
be known.

I'll take my time over it as I get to know myself in honesty a bit
better and whatever it is, I have all faith indeed, that it will come
to me in due course. One "miracle" has already arrived, last night.
That alone was worth - well! :-)))

So, ladies and gentlemen all, thank you for listening so patiently and
greetings to you wherever you are in your own discoveries and
unfoldments!

I bid thee goodnite :-)

Silvia

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Received on Sun May 25 2003 - 00:12:26 BST