Healing heart mediation tryout

Wooooooooooooow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had only tried the healing heart med. once when I first downloaded it. Not much happened and I just thought it may be one of those things that you need to do regularly to get results. Which it may be as well.
Since last evening I have been in a very lost place indeed - relationship s*** really hitting the fan with estranged husband and prospects of new partners (his prospects not mine).
I shouted and screamed and swore like a maniac for an hour or more as we sat and then walked through the public gardens in Bournemouth. Tickets were selling well!
I cried and cried for hours and hours while my daughters tried to comfort me.
I refused absolutely to tap, dialogue or do ET. No way!
I was in a rage and I didn't want to let go. Only enough now and again enough to sink into the depths of what the f***'s the point in it all - I can't do this life thing, it's crap - with oceans and oceans of tears.
I hurled abuse at all my helpers as well as condemning their father to the bottom of hell's pit.
I woke through the night often with nasty physical symptoms exacerbated by this world class tantrum.
When I woke this morning I didn't bother to move before starting to cry again.
Just one little change, I was able, without moving, to do some ET. It was difficult cos it was a technologically impossible to transmute solid metal anvil. However it did eventually but I wasn't aware of any better feeling. Moved a couple of other things, same result.
Spent the morning and afternoon sizzling the ether with vituporous emails to said estranged spouse and then crying at replies. Was wearing bedraggled dressing gown - you know the uniform. And of course I was not allowed to wash up or tidy my home or do anything productive at all. The Karma police don't allow it you know when you're in a state.
During emails worked through to some definable point through my complaints. Some outbursts of anger included some useful and very firm statements of exactly who I was and what I was going to accept in my life and what I was not. Managed by end of afternoon to sheepishly include some 'these are my responsibilities'. First signs of mania reducing. Feeling less wrecked while typing and rereading those but soon returned to grizzling once eyes left the words. Finished with 'not veiled at all' threat to end 30 year relationship if estranged spouse did not toe my over and over again well defined line.
Then desperate to achieve some kind of concrete change and in a state of I'm not having this' joined two internet dating agencies!!!!! and sent emails to 6 guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not too pleased with my photo though, look like Myra Hindley. Probably been behaving a bit like her all day and that's the reason. Damned odd this energy thing you know.
Finally at maybe 5.30 felt so drained that exhaustion was going to finish me off for good - game over, no struggle with life any more. Would like basket work coffin, wonder if I've told anyone.
Then, oh then that little spark, that star seed began to rise and the idea, just the idea of doing the heart healing meditation came to me.
I did it.
I stayed in silence when the music ceased and I continued to drift and sink to another level of existence. Due to abject neglect of dogs (goes with dressing gown) there was no water in the bowl and my old lady dog trotted up and down the hall for an hour and a half. Tip tapping of claws kept reaching me and when it did I became aware , each time of my slow but very deep and powerful breathing. Literally sounded like very regular bellows. Never experienced that in a meditation before.
During this aware and then not aware wave of being I found the place, so easily then, where I felt in the whole of me that I could get up from that bed, pin a smile on my face and continue with my life as I wished to. Nothing, absolutely nothing was wrong, nothing had changed in any kind of reality since I heard the words that triggered my tantrum. No-one was dead, no houses razed to the ground. I'd been there done that and could take off the tee-shirt and like a Stepford Wife, smilingly get on with a normal evening. The only emotion I felt was total amazement and disconnection from where I had been. And it had felt so immutable.
During the rest of my meditation, feeling that I could conceivably put myself back onto the same side as my husband instead of on the enemy's side (not a usual experience even when things are good) I found several scenarios passing before my mind. Scenarios where this being on his side was immediately running into difficulties, those 'Yes but what happens when' things. Well the power of this experience wasn't finished - I found it compelling to just watch these like little movies passing before my experience and letting them go on their way ! The important thing seemed to be not to stop them by 'thinking' about them, not to hold them at all. Just to let them swirl around and then pass by.
So it's over. And so easily in the end.
A part of me wanted to send another email to my hushand saying in font size 300 I'M OK! Still, I didn't because I'm waiting for his last reply to my toeing the line email, might as well wait and see exactly how far I need to move to be on his side, might not be as far as it was :-))

Apart from the obvious healing of the meditation which was fantastic another thing I think I have learned is that sometimes process is streemly important. Last night in an attempt to change my state my daughter reminded me of what I said to her when she was seriously p***ed at her 'ex-boyfriend but still friend' slagging her off to their mutual friends. I said it was all about her own feelings and didn't matter what he said it was not about her and that she would only find her peace when she let go of the idea of injury and fault etc etc. She wanted to say something to him about it and I was saying there was no need she would not find her peace in that.
When she reminded me about it last night it had, of course, no effect on me at all. I forget my response but
in fact, rather than showing me a different state I could achieve if only I remembered what I felt when I said it to her, it made me feel I was so wrong to try to move her by my reasoning from where she found herself. This morning when I was refusing to be moved one iota from how I thought I had been wronged and what it made me feel about her father, she took a much better stance and kept saying Fantastic, absolutely, stick to that if you want but now get over it. Keep your view of it but let it all go. And I think she was absolutely right.
So I can track my path from last night to now through expression of my pain, acknowledgement of it, validation of it, moving into concrete actions through it and finally to letting it go. I am inclined to feel that my refusal to tap or whatever was not just the mistake of a deranged woman but was perfectly ok at that time.
Anyway this email is quite long so I will finish here. But thank you Silvia for that heart healing. I am a convert now.

Love
Linda
XX

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Received on Mon Jun 09 2003 - 13:21:16 BST